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  • Writer's pictureAlexander Linderman

Attached at the Heart: A Guide to Finding Your Perfect Match

Navigating the World of Attachment Styles for Healthier Relationships





Are you tired of dating the same type of person and finding yourself in the same types of relationships? It may be time to take a deeper look at your own attachment style. Understanding your attachment style can give you valuable insight into how you form and maintain relationships, and can also help you identify potential red flags in a partner.


In this post, we'll explore the different attachment styles and give you tips on how to find a partner whose style complements yours for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

First, let's define attachment styles. According to attachment theory, developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, our early experiences with caregivers shape our patterns of attachment in adulthood. There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.


Securely attached individuals tend to have a healthy balance of independence and interdependence in relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy and trust, and are able to effectively communicate their needs and boundaries. They tend to make good partners because they are comfortable with intimacy, they don't play games, they communicate well, and they're supportive of their partners.


When looking for a partner with a secure attachment style, it's important to keep in mind that these individuals are comfortable with intimacy and are able to form healthy, stable relationships. Here are a few tips to help you identify a potential partner with a secure attachment style:

  1. Look for someone who is confident in themselves and their ability to form close relationships. Securely attached individuals tend to have a strong sense of self-worth and are comfortable with being emotionally vulnerable.

  2. Seek out someone who is able to balance independence and intimacy. Securely attached individuals are comfortable with being close to others, but also value their own personal space and time.

  3. Pay attention to how they communicate and express their feelings. Securely attached individuals are able to communicate their needs and wants effectively, without being overly dependent or clingy.

  4. Look for someone who is reliable and dependable. Securely attached individuals tend to be consistent in their actions and words, and can be trusted to follow through on their commitments.

  5. Seek out someone who is able to handle conflict in a healthy and constructive way. Securely attached individuals are able to express their needs and wants while also being open to hearing the perspective of their partner.

  6. Look for someone who is comfortable with being emotionally open and transparent. Securely attached individuals tend to be open and honest with their feelings and emotions.

Anxiously attached individuals, on the other hand, often struggle with insecurity and a fear of abandonment. They may become overly clingy or possessive in relationships, and may have difficulty setting healthy boundaries. They tend to make less good partners because they are often insecure, jealous, and sometimes demanding.


When looking for a partner with an anxious attachment style, it's important to understand that they may have a fear of abandonment and may crave a lot of reassurance and closeness in a relationship. They may also struggle with trust issues and may need extra patience and understanding when it comes to building a healthy relationship.

Here are a few things to look for in a partner with an anxious attachment style:

  1. They are open and honest about their feelings and needs: An anxious partner may struggle with expressing their emotions, but they should be open and honest with you about their feelings and needs. This can help to build trust and understanding in the relationship.

  2. They are willing to work through trust issues: Anxious partners may have trust issues due to past experiences, so it's important that they are willing to work through these issues with you. This may include being patient and understanding when it comes to building trust.

  3. They are willing to compromise and communicate: Anxious partners may struggle with compromise and communication, but it's important that they are willing to work on these skills in the relationship. Being open to compromise and communication can help to build a healthy and happy relationship.

  4. They are self-aware: An anxious partner should be aware of their attachment style and its effects on their relationships, and be willing to work on it. They should be open to feedback and willing to make changes to improve the relationship.

  5. They are not clingy, but they are affectionate: An anxious partner may crave closeness and reassurance, but they should not be overly clingy or dependent on their partner. They should be affectionate and loving, but also understand the importance of personal space and independence.

Avoidantly attached individuals, meanwhile, tend to have a fear of intimacy and may prioritize independence over closeness in relationships. They may have difficulty committing or may pull away from partners who become too close. They tend to make less good partners because they are often emotionally unavailable, have a hard time committing, and may not be as supportive as they could be.


When it comes to dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, it is important to understand that this individual may struggle with forming close and intimate connections. They may have a tendency to push people away and avoid vulnerability. Here are a few things to look for in a partner with an avoidant attachment style:

  1. Independence: People with an avoidant attachment style tend to value their independence and may have a strong sense of self. They may enjoy spending time alone and may not want to be overly dependent on a partner.

  2. Emotional distance: They may have a tendency to emotionally distance themselves from others. They may have difficulty expressing their feelings and may struggle with vulnerability.

  3. Fear of abandonment: They may fear being rejected or abandoned, which can make them hesitant to get too close to someone. They may also have a tendency to avoid commitment in relationships.

  4. Difficulty with trust: They may struggle with trust issues and may find it difficult to trust others. They may have been hurt in the past, which can make it difficult for them to open up and trust a new partner.

  5. Communication: They may struggle with communication, and may not always be able to express their feelings or needs effectively. It is important to be patient and understanding when communicating with them.

So, how do you find a partner whose attachment style complements yours? Here are a few tips:

  1. Understand your own attachment style. Take a test or talk to a therapist to gain insight into your own patterns of attachment.

  2. Be honest with yourself about what you're looking for in a partner. Are you someone who needs a lot of reassurance and closeness, or do you prefer a more independent relationship? Understanding your own needs and preferences will help you identify a compatible partner.

Communicate your needs clearly. When dating, it's important to be open and honest about your attachment style and what you're looking for in a relationship. This will help ensure that you're on the same page with your partner and can work together to create a healthy and fulfilling relationship.


Be open to different attachment styles. While it may be easier to find a partner with a similar attachment style, it's important to remember that everyone is different. Being open to different attachment styles can help you find a partner who complements your needs and helps you grow as a person.


Be prepared to work on your relationship. All relationships require effort, and it's important to be prepared to put in the work to make your relationship thrive. This may include working on communication, trust, and intimacy, as well as developing a deeper understanding of your partner's attachment style.


With these tips in mind, you'll be well on your way to finding a partner whose attachment style complements yours and creating a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Remember to be patient, open-minded, and always communicate your needs clearly. Happy dating!


By Alexander T. Linderman



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