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  • Writer's pictureAlexander Linderman

Why Do I Keep Choosing the Same Guy? Understanding the Impact of Avoidant People

Breaking the Cycle: Understanding the Impact of Avoidant Attachment in Relationships




The dating pool is filled with people from different attachment styles, and it's not uncommon to come across individuals with avoidant attachment styles. If you've been dating for a while, you may have noticed that it's challenging to form a connection with someone who has this type of attachment style. In this blog post, we'll explore why this is the case and what's driving the prevalence of avoidant attachment styles in the dating pool.


It can be frustrating to find yourself repeatedly attracting the same type of partner, especially when that partner seems to lack emotional connection and intimacy. As it turns out, this pattern could be linked to your own attachment style and the attachment styles of your partners.


According to the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, 25% of people in the dating pool have an avoidant attachment style. People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with intimacy and can come across as emotionally distant, unresponsive, or even dismissive of their partner's feelings.


What is an Avoidant Attachment Style?


First, it's essential to understand what an avoidant attachment style is. People with avoidant attachment styles are often seen as aloof or detached in relationships. They value their independence and personal space and often struggle with intimacy and vulnerability. These individuals often have a fear of rejection and abandonment, which drives them to avoid getting too close to others.


People with avoidant attachment styles often struggle to form close and intimate relationships due to their fear of intimacy and vulnerability. This attachment style is characterized by a tendency to suppress their emotions, distance themselves emotionally from others, and avoid intimacy and commitment.

People with avoidant attachment styles may also have low self-esteem and feel that they are unworthy of love and affection, which can lead to them constantly seeking validation and reassurance from others. This can create a cycle of rejection and disappointment, as they push people away when they get too close and then seek their attention when they feel lonely or rejected.

Additionally, people with avoidant attachment styles may struggle to recognize and understand their own emotional needs, which can make it difficult for them to articulate these needs to their partners. This can cause miscommunication and frustration in relationships, leading to conflict and the eventual breakdown of the relationship.

The combination of fear of intimacy, low self-esteem, difficulty in articulating emotional needs, and a tendency to push people away, can make it challenging for people with avoidant attachment styles to form and maintain healthy and long-lasting relationships.


Why are there so many Avoidant Attachment Styles in the Dating Pool?


There are several reasons why the dating pool is filled with individuals who have avoidant attachment styles.

  1. Childhood experiences: Many people who have avoidant attachment styles developed this pattern in childhood as a result of experiences with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or abusive. These childhood experiences often shape an individual's beliefs about relationships and their ability to form healthy connections with others.

  2. Fear of Intimacy: Avoidant individuals often struggle with intimacy, and the fear of getting too close to someone can drive them to distance themselves from potential partners. They may also struggle with the vulnerability that comes with opening up to someone, which can make it challenging for them to form meaningful connections.

  3. Need for Independence: People with avoidant attachment styles value their independence and personal space. They may struggle with the idea of giving up their autonomy and being in a committed relationship. This need for independence can make it challenging for them to form and maintain healthy relationships.

  4. Cultural Norms: In some cultures, it's seen as a sign of weakness to be emotionally vulnerable or to form close connections with others. This cultural stigma can lead individuals with avoidant attachment styles to distance themselves from others and avoid intimacy.

Why are Anxious Attachment Styles Activated by Avoidant Attachment Styles?


People with anxious attachment styles are often drawn to individuals with avoidant attachment styles because they perceive them as being emotionally distant and independent. This perceived independence can be attractive to anxious individuals who struggle with insecurity and the need for constant reassurance.


However, the reality of being in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style can be challenging for anxious individuals. They may struggle with the distance and emotional detachment that characterizes avoidant individuals and feel a constant need for reassurance and validation. This dynamic can lead to frustration and conflict in the relationship, as anxious individuals struggle to get their needs met.


In the world of dating and relationships, understanding attachment styles can be a game-changer. Attachment styles refer to the way in which individuals relate to others and the way they perceive their own worth in a relationship. Understanding your own attachment style and that of others can help you make informed decisions about the types of relationships you seek out and the people you allow into your life. In this blog, we'll explore the three main attachment styles - secure, anxious, and avoidant - and provide tips on how to find someone who aligns with your attachment style. Whether you're seeking a long-term commitment or simply looking to casually date, understanding attachment styles can help guide you towards fulfilling and healthy relationships.


Meeting someone with a secure attachment style

  1. Look for someone who is confident and independent: Secure individuals are comfortable in their own skin and are confident in who they are. They are not afraid to express their opinions and are open to new experiences.

  2. Seek out those who value open and honest communication: Secure individuals value open and honest communication in their relationships. They are able to talk about their feelings, thoughts and opinions without fear of judgement.

  3. Look for someone who is self-assured: Secure individuals are comfortable with themselves and are not afraid to be vulnerable in their relationships. They are confident in their relationships and are not easily rattled.

  4. Find someone who values trust and reliability: Secure individuals place a high value on trust and reliability in their relationships. They are honest and reliable partners and are not afraid to show their commitment.

Meeting someone with an anxious attachment style

  1. Look for someone who values emotional connection: Anxious individuals tend to seek deep emotional connections with their partners. They value honesty, vulnerability and emotional intimacy.

  2. Seek out those who are open to communication: Anxious individuals place a high value on open and honest communication in their relationships. They are comfortable talking about their feelings, thoughts and opinions.

  3. Look for someone who values support: Anxious individuals tend to seek partners who are supportive, understanding and accepting. They value partners who are willing to listen, help and be there for them.

  4. Find someone who is comfortable with emotions: Anxious individuals are looking for partners who are comfortable with emotions and are able to handle the ups and downs of a relationship. They want partners who are patient, understanding and caring.

Meeting someone with an avoidant attachment style

  1. Look for someone who values independence: Avoidant individuals tend to value independence in their relationships. They do not want partners who are too clingy or demanding of their time.

  2. Seek out those who are self-assured: Avoidant individuals are drawn to partners who are self-assured and confident in who they are. They do not want partners who are overly emotional or uncertain.

  3. Look for someone who values distance: Avoidant individuals tend to want partners who respect their need for distance and space. They want partners who are not overly emotional or demanding of their time and attention.

  4. Find someone who is comfortable with boundaries: Avoidant individuals are drawn to partners who are comfortable with boundaries and respect their need for distance. They want partners who are not overly emotional or clingy.

These are general tips, and it's important to remember that every individual is unique and may not fit perfectly into these categories. The most important thing is to be open and honest in your relationships, and to be willing to work together to create a healthy, fulfilling relationship.


Conclusion


The dating pool is filled with individuals who have avoidant attachment styles, and it's essential to understand why this is the case. These individuals may struggle with intimacy and the fear of rejection and abandonment, which can make it challenging for them to form healthy relationships. For those with anxious attachment styles, the perceived independence of avoidant individuals can be attractive, but the reality of being in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style can be challenging. By understanding the root causes of avoidant attachment styles, we can work to improve our relationships and build healthier connections with others.



Reference:

  • Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

  • Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2002). Attachment-related psychodynamics. Attachment & human development, 4(3), 133-161.

  • Simpson, J. A., Rholes, W. S., & Nelligan, J. S. (1992). Support seeking and support giving within couples in an anxious-ambivalent pattern of attachment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 62(6), 974-987.

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